I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Randomize