just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
