M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Randomize