Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
is this the sara with the beer cane?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
