hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
