We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
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