just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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