I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
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