Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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