my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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