I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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