Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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