YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
