I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
