He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
