We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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