dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I could have mohawked her pubes.
i wish my penis had a tongue
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
