dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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