I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
