i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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