Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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