After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
