Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Randomize
