can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
