Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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