I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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