On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
