My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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