i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize