Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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