I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
