I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize
