Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
