im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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