If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
wow bdsm is so cute
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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