It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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