dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I look better un-naked...
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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