What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize