Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
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