i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
