I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
