Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Randomize
