I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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