fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
