I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
