i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
