there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize