so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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