You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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