she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
