I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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