woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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