it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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