I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
