the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
