Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
