He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
